Chinese Authorties Claim Michael Phelps is a Mutant, Have Taken him Prisoner

Chinese Authorities have taken U.S. Swimmer Michael Phelps into custody. "Phelps is not human." says the Chinese Special Agent. "We've decided to cut him open and look for gills along with other evidence that he is a human-fish mutant." The Chinese do not plan on using a doctor but rather a member of the Chinese Mafia to conduct the test. This decision came after stripping Phelps of his clothing showed no proof of the Chinese Claims. This "man" has won six gold metals and set six world records. What kind of man can do such things." Visa's comercial suggesting that Phelps could be a fish has apparently caused confusion. The Chinese said about Visa, "We believe this American Corporation knows something they are not sharing with us, and we intend to find out what it is." Visa has said its commerical is not meant to be taken literally. "The Chinese misunderstand the meaning of the commerical it's supposed to be refering to how incredible a swimmer Mr. Phelps is. Not that the man is actually a fish!" We're sincerely sorry that our commerical has lead to this regretable outcome." However the Chinese do not believe Visa and are frevent in their belief they should go through with this. "If we were wrong we will pay for him to be shipped back to America and buried." However if we find evidence of our claims we will simply dump his body in the ocean where it belongs."

I'm chalking this situation up to cultural difference between the two countries. Truth is only one man can handle an international crisis of this magitude. That's right the savior himself Barack Obama. I move that President Bush send Freshman Senator Obama over to China. There he will convince the Chinese Government to adopt religious freedom, allow freedom of speech, stop keeping the price of their currency inflated, and release our national hero Michael Phelps unharmed from the Chinese Dungon he is being held in. Of course he has less than 8 hours to accomplish all this and his staff won't wake him for another six, but he's Obama so is there any doubt he'll be successful.

Update:
Obama overslept and Phelps has died. President Bush tried numerous times to get in touch with "The One." Apparently, the Senator didn't want to get up early and turned the ringer on his phone off. Our sincerest sympathies go out to the family of our Olympic hero. However Obama has now promised to raise Phelps from the dead in exchange for an one of Phelps' Olympic gold metals. More to come on this breaking news story.

Phelps' family is refusing to turn over one of Phelps 11 gold metals to Obama, "Michael earned those metals we have no right to give them away." Obama is saying that the phelps' are greedy for not giving him a gold metal. "They have more than enough metals they should give me, my wife and my children each a gold metal. It's the only fair way to distribute the wealth." This despite that fact Obama has never competed in an Olympic event.